


you don't scare me

by writingmylifeaway



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Angst, F/M, Kylo Ren Needs a Hug, Nightmares, One Shot, Reader-Insert, angsty fluff, choking and not in a kinky way, it's sad but there's fluff if you squint
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-18
Updated: 2020-05-18
Packaged: 2021-03-03 02:53:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,851
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24257722
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/writingmylifeaway/pseuds/writingmylifeaway
Summary: She wishes he would trust her but is understanding that the events of war affect much more than the physical, and she’d kiss the scars she can and can’t see until her last breath.
Relationships: Kylo Ren/Reader, Kylo Ren/You
Kudos: 22





	you don't scare me

**Author's Note:**

> I've had the idea for this for a while, so it was fun to finally write it out lol
> 
> If anyone wants to talk about it or ask me anything my tumblr is bxrnes-bucky!! I would love to hear from y'all!!

Datapads can be deceiving, right? They can tell the wrong time, maybe an error in production? There was no way it was as late as her datapad was telling her, not when there were still TIE’s flying by the window of her shared quarters. She didn’t know what time he’d be back, it’s not like he knew if he’d even be back, so she made the decision to stay up for him. She got some work done, read the book that’s been taking up space for the past month, and now she attempts to watch a holovid. It was only after her sixth time check on what she believed to be her malfunctioning datapad that she looked up at the chronometer, which proved her theory about her faulty tech wrong. With a deep sigh she rubbed at her eyes and stood, leaving only the foyer light on, and settling under the covers of her empty bed. Her sleep was anything but peaceful, she knew better than to worry about him, but it was hard not to when she knew what he was doing. After a couple repositioning’s and attempts at finding comfort she looked up at the ceiling, listening to the sound of the artificial air flow. 

As if she willed it to happen, the automatic door unlocked and hissed open. She shot up, listening to the slow beat of footsteps. The heavy thud of his helmet meeting the smooth black durasteel alerts her to who has entered. The hallway light is turned off, a dark figure taking up the entrance to their bedroom. He stood with a hand on the frame, through the dark she couldn’t make out much but she could tell his eyes weren’t on her. He gets like this after missions, more distant than usual and less of a presence in the Force. She herself does not contain the Force but she knows when he is in the room, like a sixth sense for his energy. Normally clear and piercing, a post mission fog dulls the blade of his aura to a useless blunt edge. Tonight, is no different.

“Kylo?” She calls softly, low, it’s only for him and she wants him to know that. He inhales in response. She stands slowly, eyes on his face made grimy from battle, and makes her way to him. He moves his left foot back in hesitation and now she is able to see it. The fear, the panic and anxiety pooling in his dark eyes. The anger he wears overtop chips momentarily under her gentle gaze. She knows this part well, holds her hand out and keeps contact with his eyes as he rifles through her mind in an attempt to feel secure. She wishes he would trust her but is understanding that the events of war affect much more than the physical, and she’d kiss the scars she can and can’t see until her last breath.

“It’s me, Kylo. Just us.” She promises, he scans the room and meets her gaze once more. He nods, steps forward and lets her hand meet his. He doesn’t want to talk about it, he never does. He wants silence, wants the security of loving hands in blood-caked hair. Wants to be seen as something other than what he knows himself to be. She can do that for him, and so she does. With his hand under her fingers she steps into his space, he looks down at her as she drags her hands up both arms to his shoulders and eventually settles her much smaller palm on his filthy cheeks. She’s under the armor now, this is not who she met upon accepting a position with the First Order. This is Kylo Ren, the man she fell in love with.

“I missed you, I’m happy your home. I tried to sleep before you walked in, but the bed was so cold and empty… I’m happy to see you’re okay.” She likes to voice these things, as she doesn’t know how they translate when he picks them from her mind. Kylo offers no response, watches her as she smiles softly while unclipping his cape from his broad shoulders. It hits the ground with a soft huff, and he exhales though he can’t remember holding a breath. He brings his hands to hold her waist, eyes following her lips at the upwards curve they start on her cheeks. His gloves are too warm, he drops his hands. She looks down and see’s the dirt on his tightly fitting gloves, and hooks her finger under the palm, pulls. The first one drops, and she guides his bare fingers to her jaw where they cup her face like it was written in the stars to do so. She does the same for his other hand, her own skin on his wrists as she rubs her thumb against the back of his hand. 

“You know what I do, what I’ve done. What I came back from. You’re always here, waiting for me.” Kylo whispers, low in his throat as he holds her face in his warm palms. She turns and kisses his skin. He feels as though he does not deserve this care, this softness. He is a hunter lying in wait for his next prey, she is defenseless. She is everything he lacks; she is the embodiment of pure light in the arms of an abyss he has never been able to pull himself out of. And yet she stays, holding steady through a storm he caused though he consistently seeks out the refuge she provides for him. There is no question of faith in her mind, no fear or anxiety towards him. He loathes the day she comes to realize who she sleeps next to, the day she figures out that he is dynamite with a very long fuse. A train destined to fall off the tracks long before it reaches the station. This is to say there is no future nor stability with Commander Kylo Ren. Just destruction. And still, here she is. Creating the closet thing to a home he has ever felt comfortable in.

“Always.” Is her simple response, one word that never quite sinks into his skull. 

“I’m a monster, Y/N. I’m… waiting to see what you will do when the horrors of my actions, of my mind, lay waste to who you think holds you so close.” He’s pressing his forehead to hers, the action and his quiet tone not matching the weight behind his words. But she feels it. It’s not a pressure she is not used to, as this is not her first time hearing him say something like this. She drops her lips a touch, let’s her arms wrap around his neck as she pulls herself flush against his chest. He complies, ties his own arms around her back and holds her tight. Her nose is buried in his neck, breathing in his pulse. 

“I’m not scared of you. I don’t see you how you see yourself, or how others see you. I know who you are in your heart, and I trust you endlessly. I know you don’t like to hear it, but it’s important to me that you know that I love you. I’m not leaving you unless you ask me to.” She whispers into his skin, his eyes close as he rests his cheek on her clean hair. He doesn’t understand, he thinks her naïve and overly trusting. But he would never ask her to leave. He doesn’t want to admit it, but she is all he has. All he finds important. If he were to take a personal inventory of his life, it would be a very short list with one name on it and he hates that he cares for her as much as he does. His grip on her tightens, she huffs a small smile and kisses up his neck to his cheek. 

She knows better than to wait for a response to her quiet admission, he’s never returned her sentiment in words, and were she not as observant as she is to pick up the subtle looks and simple things he does for her she would not have lasted this long with him. She would be lying if she said she didn’t wish he could say he loves her too, but that hunger died the first time he asked her to stay the night. She had never felt safer, more seen than in the hours which he held her close to his beating heart that night. To wake up next to Commander Kylo Ren and to bring him a morning coffee is to know him more intimately than anyone in his life previous to her. To her, his love is obvious in the way he pulls her to him when he is deep in contemplation, the way his hand rests on the small of her back or between her shoulder blades when they walk the halls together. She see’s him, whether he likes it or not, she see’s him for all he is and accepts it with no compunctions. He does love her; the words may never grace her ears but that does not faze her. Not anymore. 

“Do you want a shower? Or are you ready for bed?”

“Bed.” He grunts into her hair, to which she chuckles lightly and pulls back from the embrace. He releases her, albeit hesitantly, and pulls his tunic off while she goes to pull the covers back and change the room’s temperature to what Kylo likes to sleep in. He drops his pants and collapses into the soft mattress; she pulls on one of his black long sleeve undershirts and follows after him into the dark sheets. Kylo turns onto his side facing her and she does the same. Their legs are tangled together, her hands brushing his hair from his face while his push under her stolen top and rests his palm on her rib cage. 

“Missed you too.” He mumbles, finding the confidence to be vulnerable in the dark of their room. Then, his hands circle to her back and he is pulling her close once more, this time he lay on his back and she on his chest, straddling him. She looks down at him while her hands find purchase on his jaw. He pulls her done for a long-awaited kiss, she smiles against his lips and feels content she hadn’t felt before starting this relationship. They break the kiss and she trails her lips down from the corner of his lips to his neck and shoulders, his eyelids fall closed as he relishes the feeling of her on his skin. Long fingers rub mindless patterns on her back as she rests quietly on his chest, rising and falling in pattern with her own breath. They fall asleep like this, making up for lost time in the quiet sanctuary of their bed. She slips off his chest to lay curled into his side while he stays on his back, arm under her head and free hand holding hers across the wide expanse of his chest.  
Hours of sleep pass before the beginnings of a dream less than sweet hit him like a ton of bricks, laden with memories of the war he fights. In his dream he is fighting along his Knights, barking orders and killing who ever should find themselves within his poison vicinity. The air is thick and weighs him down, the blood shed matching the color of his cracked kyber crystal. He pants, watches one of his Knights kill the last of the rebels. Kylo Ren looks at the dismal display of his own raw, unchecked power around him and feels bile rise in his throat. Never has a scene he so commonly finds himself standing in the middle of felt more wrong and disturbing, he is waiting for another fight. His mind is on edge, muscles tense in and out of this dream although he could have easily mistaken it for reality. As he looks around his battlefield, the edges of his hellscape dream begin blending with the home he walked into not hours before. Only instead of walking into the loving embrace of the woman he calls his, he walks into an elaborate trap set by his enemies. He is unable to relax as he walks the halls of a home that can best be described as residing in his own Uncanny Valley. His sleeping body is tense, hands tightening their grip on her unconsciously as his brows furrow and his breathing picks up a bit. 

She stirs at his side, opens her eyes slowly and looks at his face. Upon seeing the state he was in she sits up and places a hand on his cheek, gently whispering his name in an attempt to wake him. In his dream he can distantly hear his name, eyes moving back and forth beneath his eye lids as he scans the dream room. When her hand presses into his cheek he feels as though he is under attack, like a blaster is being held to his temple and he is instantly on the defense. The pure adrenaline wakes him abruptly, eyes shooting open as the familiar feeling of panic constricts his breathing. He grabs her throat and throws her on the bed, arm straining from the force being exerted on her airways. Kylo Ren’s chest heaves as he fights his mind for control of his reality, and when he has both hands on the wheel not a moment later he is able to see clearly that she is clawing at his hand and begging him to release his unforgiving grip. She’s crying and fighting against him, legs flailing and hands grabbing his arms and hand. His eyes go wide, his breath is still shallow and fast, but he removes himself from the bed none the less. He stands across the room and watches her cough and spit as she sits up, panting and crying still. She wipes her eyes and face with the heel of her shaking palm, looks at him and begins to pull herself from the bed. 

“Kylo- “She begins, reaching out to him through sputtering coughs and wheezing breaths. He backs away from her how he feels she should be doing.

“Y/N I could tear you apart, rip you to shreds and not break a sweat… I could kill you half asleep… fuck I’m- I….” He cuts her off, still in the grips of a panic attack. He doesn’t understand why she continues to approach him.

“Kylo please, let me help you.” She pleads, hand covering her mouth to conceal a hoarse cough. 

“Why? I don’t understand- “his volume raises, pulling the sheet of anger once more over his true emotions of fear and anxiety. 

“I almost killed you and you still insist on soothing me.” He grabs her wrists then, holding her tight as he keeps eye contact. She gasps at the sudden tug towards his heaving chest.

“You don’t scare me. You’ve got me open wide, I’m yours Kylo Ren.” She responds quickly, tears still falling down her red cheeks as she stands in front of him. He kisses her, presses their lips together messy and hungry, releases her arms and pulls her legs to wrap around his waist with his hands under her thighs. 

“I would die for you, you’re all I know and all I want.” Her blissful ignorance infuriates him, she knows who he is and what he is capable of and yet she remains in his bed. He hates her in a way that has no comparison to any other type of hate he has experienced in the past. Kylo presses her to the wall and squeezes her waist while kissing her with the intensity of the fire within him. Her arms wind around his neck and her hands pull on his dirty hair, she is all encompassing. 

“I fucking hate you- “he bites her lower lip. She nods quickly, lids half open as she holds his face. She’s always holding him.

“but I love you.” Kylo breaths the words into her mouth like the admission relieved him of the weight still lingering on his chest, she smiles wide and kisses him again. He breaths freely now. His brain is fried, he is in complete shock from the escalation of events. He can’t separate nightmare from reality, she is a dream in the land of the living. 

“You’ll be the death of me, I don’t want it any other way.” She says it like a promise, like the whisper of such words into a heated kiss and the formation of his hand print on her neck don’t place her signature on a life sentence destined to be served on death row. She will fall victim to the mighty Kylo Ren, Master of the Knights of Ren, when the time comes. But for now, they stay like this. Pressed into the wall not five feet from a crime scene, negotiating the keeping of Commander Kylo Ren.

**Author's Note:**

> i was listening to Two Weeks by FKA Twigs, IFHY by Tyler, The Creator, and She Lives In My Lap by Outkast so I hope y'all peeped the quotes lmfao


End file.
